my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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