i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
