I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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