I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
