I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
