Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
