Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
