How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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