Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
