dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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