So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
