my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
