I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You ate ashes out of my bong
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
