I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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