Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
