If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
