He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
we're making bets on your personal life
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
