Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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