Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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