dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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