At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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