I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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