The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
not ubering you a puppy
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
