You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
