Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
