On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
