the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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