There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
