We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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