are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
