I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I have aggressive nipples.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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