just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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