I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
