I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
