very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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