there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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