Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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