So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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