i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
