I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
