I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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