I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
