Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
