Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
