i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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