Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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