I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
