I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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