I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
