Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
